Monday, January 23, 2006
Making Peace with the World Inside of Me
So, I'm trying to get back into the blogging world. Most of my friends do it, so why shouldn't I? Kidding, but I am at a point where, selfishly, to keep up with friends, I want to get back into this. Plus, writing has always been therapeutic for me and I have avoided doing it since around January of 2003.
My life is Transition. Capital T. I'm waiting to move, to start my new job, etc. Right now I'm living with the parental units in Charleston. It has been a good time for us; for them to get to know the newest member of my one (now two) member family. Sullivan Oscar has adjusted well to the big back yard, full of birds and other wildlife indigenous to the beautiful lowcountry. He is in heaven.
Meanwhile, his "mistress" (as my mother calls me) has not been focusing enough on the beautiful creation Ellis Creek has to offer. I have been reading voraciously and enjoying every minute of it (see booklist at end). I've also been trying to "prepare" for my new job. I"ll be an associate pastor at a church in Columbia. I'm mega-excited about this, but it's the kind of excitement where your stomach hurts at the same time. Excited fear. Will they like me? (not all, of course) What if I've missed my calling? (all paths leading to this place say 'no') How do I step into ministry skin when I look and sound so young? (you just do it: it's a calling and a mystery) ETC.
Part of my inner rumblings (ramblings?) has brought me to a strange place. Those of you who know me, know that I have a very active dream life. Since I've been in Transitionland, I have had several (enough to cause concern) dreams in which I am ANGRY. The last one involved the pastor at the church where I grew up. I was YELLING at him about theology. The content of what I was saying was good....orthodox....Let's just say the presentation was a bit....sloppy. He was calm, I was bitter and angry.
I processed, which means talked with some folks about it, and realized I am a very angry woman. In the movie "Crash" Sandra Bullock's character says, "I wake up every morning angry and I don't know why...." I was frightened when I understood and related to her. This scares me because she epitomizes who I DO NOT WANT TO BE. But I am mad. I am mad at folks who don't think I should be a minister because of my gender, I turn red in the face at people who relish and seemingly want other people to go to hell, I am frustrated with people who are more concerned with what TV shows desecrate Christianity's name but don't care that millions of people are starving, I am pissed at people who think Iraquis and Africans are not people. On a personal level, I am angry at people who are critical of well meaning people, I am mad and sad when people I love don't love me back, I am ticked when I have to repeat things 3 times when my mom can't hear them, and I am angry that I'm in debt because of my greed. I am mad that I'm so gross.
In true LeAnn form, I have written a letter to one of the aformentioned people. Asking forgiveness for my anger. I don't know if I'll give it to him. I hope I do because I think that's the best thing to do, no, the right thing to do. As I wrote in the letter, "If I believe and will preach in a gospel that requires vulnerability risk and not a little foolishness, I must be risky, vulnerable and foolish in writing and giving you this letter." The thing about the letter is he does not care if I'm angry, about receiving a letter, or about me, thus making it a bona fide foolish action. Or does it?
Maybe I'm re-entering the blogging world for a bit of accountability. Ask me in a month if I've mailed the letter.
-mlg
Good Books:
1-The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing
2-Wicked
3-My Sister's Keeper
4-What Eve Didn't Tell Us
5-The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime
6-Girl Meets God
Books I Can't Wait to Read:
1-DaVinci Code (b/c my favorite actress (besides Gwyneth) is in the movie...Audrey Tautou)..and I have a strict 'must read before watch' policy
2-A Million Little Pieces
3-anything by Gail Godwin (AWESOME writer)
4-God's Politics
5-Christ the Lord out of Egypt
My life is Transition. Capital T. I'm waiting to move, to start my new job, etc. Right now I'm living with the parental units in Charleston. It has been a good time for us; for them to get to know the newest member of my one (now two) member family. Sullivan Oscar has adjusted well to the big back yard, full of birds and other wildlife indigenous to the beautiful lowcountry. He is in heaven.
Meanwhile, his "mistress" (as my mother calls me) has not been focusing enough on the beautiful creation Ellis Creek has to offer. I have been reading voraciously and enjoying every minute of it (see booklist at end). I've also been trying to "prepare" for my new job. I"ll be an associate pastor at a church in Columbia. I'm mega-excited about this, but it's the kind of excitement where your stomach hurts at the same time. Excited fear. Will they like me? (not all, of course) What if I've missed my calling? (all paths leading to this place say 'no') How do I step into ministry skin when I look and sound so young? (you just do it: it's a calling and a mystery) ETC.
Part of my inner rumblings (ramblings?) has brought me to a strange place. Those of you who know me, know that I have a very active dream life. Since I've been in Transitionland, I have had several (enough to cause concern) dreams in which I am ANGRY. The last one involved the pastor at the church where I grew up. I was YELLING at him about theology. The content of what I was saying was good....orthodox....Let's just say the presentation was a bit....sloppy. He was calm, I was bitter and angry.
I processed, which means talked with some folks about it, and realized I am a very angry woman. In the movie "Crash" Sandra Bullock's character says, "I wake up every morning angry and I don't know why...." I was frightened when I understood and related to her. This scares me because she epitomizes who I DO NOT WANT TO BE. But I am mad. I am mad at folks who don't think I should be a minister because of my gender, I turn red in the face at people who relish and seemingly want other people to go to hell, I am frustrated with people who are more concerned with what TV shows desecrate Christianity's name but don't care that millions of people are starving, I am pissed at people who think Iraquis and Africans are not people. On a personal level, I am angry at people who are critical of well meaning people, I am mad and sad when people I love don't love me back, I am ticked when I have to repeat things 3 times when my mom can't hear them, and I am angry that I'm in debt because of my greed. I am mad that I'm so gross.
In true LeAnn form, I have written a letter to one of the aformentioned people. Asking forgiveness for my anger. I don't know if I'll give it to him. I hope I do because I think that's the best thing to do, no, the right thing to do. As I wrote in the letter, "If I believe and will preach in a gospel that requires vulnerability risk and not a little foolishness, I must be risky, vulnerable and foolish in writing and giving you this letter." The thing about the letter is he does not care if I'm angry, about receiving a letter, or about me, thus making it a bona fide foolish action. Or does it?
Maybe I'm re-entering the blogging world for a bit of accountability. Ask me in a month if I've mailed the letter.
-mlg
Good Books:
1-The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing
2-Wicked
3-My Sister's Keeper
4-What Eve Didn't Tell Us
5-The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime
6-Girl Meets God
Books I Can't Wait to Read:
1-DaVinci Code (b/c my favorite actress (besides Gwyneth) is in the movie...Audrey Tautou)..and I have a strict 'must read before watch' policy
2-A Million Little Pieces
3-anything by Gail Godwin (AWESOME writer)
4-God's Politics
5-Christ the Lord out of Egypt
